Crushed

"I'm struggling with something that makes me feel like a 16-year-old.
Firstly, I’m settled down, married, have a great job and a young family, and am 100% happy and committed to that.
That’s fine.
I also have an immense, paralysing crush on one of my best friends, who is gorgeous, creative, supportive, encouraging and much more interested in my creative pursuits than anyone else. She’s incredible. Everyone I know who’s met her thinks she’s the loveliest person imaginable.
And because I only see her about 3 / 4 times a year (and she’s flaky as shit), I spend a disproportionate amount of time pining over her. Sometimes I just miss her, sometimes I worry about her, sometimes I can’t explain it at all.
That’s not fine.
It wouldn’t be so bad if I just had a friend that I think is sexy – I imagine that happens to lots of people – but something about it is making me unbearably sad at times.
How can I make this into something positive so that I don’t keep getting sad and feeling guilty? This stuff was bad enough when I was a teenager!
Help me Vauclair Rayner, you’re my only hope…"

Oh dear. It sounds like you're letting a crush get the better of you, and if you're not careful, you could end up making an extremely reckless decision. When you let your emotions get the better of you (are you a Pisces by the way?) a small issue - a crush on your friend - can turn into something unmanageable, or can even grow into something much more grotesque. Often, when something entirely consumes us, it's because not only have we let it in, we've clothed and fed it. But why would you welcome something so potentially destructive into your life? How can we find out? Let me ask you: what else is eating you?

You say that this mystery goddess is creative, and supportive of your creative work, which obviously ticks a huge box for you. However, the other adjectives you use - "gorgeous," "incredible," "the loveliest person imaginable" are the hyperbole of your heart, not your true feelings. How do I know this? You also mention she's "flaky" and that you only see each other around three or four times a year, yet this character flaw which obviously bothers you is something you're willing to sweep under the carpet. Son, you've got it bad. Also, I'm fairly sure she's aware of that and is playing up to it. It's a fun role to play, the perfect epitome of the type of woman you would fall for. She's barely having to do anything because you're projecting everything you need onto her and she's just shining it right back atcha. It's not a real flirtation. So what now?

I don't know what your relationship with your wife is like - only that you're "settled" and "100% happy and committed." Unlike the words you used for your friend, they are secure and measured. In your current frame of mind, I imagine, they also seem boring. Are you having a rough time at work at the minute? Are you stressed, depressed, anxious or restless? My earlier question still stands - what's eating you so much that you're out there looking for something to shake up your comfortable life? We all go through destructive phases. Maybe your kids are taking up all of your together time. Maybe you're both exhausted. Maybe you're not getting the attention and adoration you once did - a valid reason to feel upset. What you need to ask yourself is whether the thrill you get whenever you allow yourself to think of her - because no doubt you're keeping her as a sexy little secret, even to yourself - is enough to sustain you through the aftermath of your wife finding out that you're emotionally absent from your relationship and living a fantasy life with a flaky dream woman who isn't her, instead.

There are two obvious paths here, and neither are easy. One involves working hard on yourself and your marriage, and figuring out what really is missing. Then, you'll need to reach out to your wife, (who you didn't mention that you love, by the way, which rang massive fucking air-raid-siren alarm bells for me) and ask for her help. Long-term relationships are about holding each other up, respect and love, no matter what. You are not a burden. Strong family units are open, honest, and supportive. The only way you'll get all these things, which I think you need, is to make the first move. Stop putting x at the end of your messages to your mystery woman. Stop texting her first whenever you think of something vaguely interesting. Eventually, you will need to phase her out of your life completely. It takes time and will seem impossible, but crushes, no matter how intoxicating, pass.

The other path involves continuing this crush to it's conclusion. Who knows, maybe she's besotted with you too? Maybe you're actually made for each other? Only you know whether that's a road worth pursuing. But whatever you do, be sure. You have a lot to lose.

What to drink?

Complicated love triangles, broken hearts, tempestuous affairs and dizzying crushes all require two things - ice cream and chocolate. Head immediately to your nearest bottle shop and purchase one each of the following:

• Wiper and True - Milk Shake Stout
• Brew York - Imperial Tonkoko
• Saltaire - Triple Chocoholic
• Wild Beer Co. - Millionaire

While you're at it, get yourself and your wife a couple of bottles of the new Magic Rock x Basqueland Session IPA because I heard it's banging and you both deserve a night in.

A fork in the road

"I'm lucky to have two potential opportunities at work. One would be to take a new career path, the other, to develop my skills where I am. The former is an unknown quantity, but an exciting challenge. The latter is more likely to be personally rewarding, but will be much slower paced. I'm not a go-getter but I've been stuck where I am for a while. Should I shake myself up and jump in the deep end of a new dynamic career, or be more cautious and step up to a new challenge where I am? Help me Vauclair Rayner, you're my only hope..."

Dear troubled tweeter, it seems like a difficult choice has been forced upon you. Both options offer positivity, and both hold opportunities to move your life forwards in a significant way. It seems like you're ready to progress - you mention that you've been "stuck" for some time. Perhaps first of all, it would be wise to think about what this means to you. Are you stuck professionally and looking for an outlet for creativity, specialist skills or leadership, or are you stuck in a rut more generally and looking for change of a more wholly-encompassing nature?

This new career path - did you initiate it, or did it come to you? Of course, if you believe in mystical sorts-of things, you might say that by asking for a change, the universe pushed this choice into your life. Being that I think that sort of talk is a load of bollocks, I'd say that either way, you've opened yourself up to a new idea of how to live your life, and that in itself is your first big step towards the change that you need.

If you initiated it - this "exciting challenge" - what pushed you to do so? At this time of year, in the depths of winter, we find ourselves much more introspective. Perhaps you'd been considering a career change over the Christmas break? What were your reasons for this? My advice would be to make a list of all the reasons you'd enjoy leaving your current career in favour of this new "exciting" one, and seeing if they weigh up favourably against your gut feeling.

If it came to you, why and how? Were you headhunted? Did it come through contacts? Big changes thrust upon us can seem more like inconveniences than opportunities and it's possible you've collected negative connotations along with the thrill of being "seen." How would you feel if you'd found this role completely off your own back? Would you be more likely to jump at the chance? If so, what's the difference?

Now let's dissect the latter option: to stay where you are and develop your skills. My first question would be, how would you ignite the change you want within your current job role? I only ask because it's easy to slip back into routine as though no personal upheaval has taken place, and if your current job is lacking the professional growth you need, you will have to take the initiative in setting this up, which is hard. I'm not gonna lie.

If you love your job and want to see yourself develop within your current workplace, this is admirable and not "the easy route," but it will take strength and perseverance to gain what you desire from it. Moving up in a career you're settled in can be harder than starting afresh, but can also be incredibly rewarding. Perhaps the slower pace would suit you in this parallel life, giving you time to grow and adapt to your new responsibilities and reaffirm your new position within your established team.

What to drink?

To help you come to a decision, I recommend a darker beer with a fair level of clout, that's deep and comforting but not too distracting from the task at hand. I think I'd pick out a Thornbridge Fika cold brew coffee stout to keep you alert while you drink and decide, or Brewing By Numbers' excellent 03-03. The ABV of both will loosen you up, making all that list-writing much easier - and it'll help you untangle the knots of worry in your head you have about the small stuff. Once you've worked out the big question - essentially, should you stay or should you go? - all the other ephemera will work itself out.