"I'm struggling with something that makes me feel like a 16-year-old.Oh dear. It sounds like you're letting a crush get the better of you, and if you're not careful, you could end up making an extremely reckless decision. When you let your emotions get the better of you (are you a Pisces by the way?) a small issue - a crush on your friend - can turn into something unmanageable, or can even grow into something much more grotesque. Often, when something entirely consumes us, it's because not only have we let it in, we've clothed and fed it. But why would you welcome something so potentially destructive into your life? How can we find out? Let me ask you: what else is eating you?
Firstly, I’m settled down, married, have a great job and a young family, and am 100% happy and committed to that.
That’s fine.
I also have an immense, paralysing crush on one of my best friends, who is gorgeous, creative, supportive, encouraging and much more interested in my creative pursuits than anyone else. She’s incredible. Everyone I know who’s met her thinks she’s the loveliest person imaginable.
And because I only see her about 3 / 4 times a year (and she’s flaky as shit), I spend a disproportionate amount of time pining over her. Sometimes I just miss her, sometimes I worry about her, sometimes I can’t explain it at all.
That’s not fine.
It wouldn’t be so bad if I just had a friend that I think is sexy – I imagine that happens to lots of people – but something about it is making me unbearably sad at times.
How can I make this into something positive so that I don’t keep getting sad and feeling guilty? This stuff was bad enough when I was a teenager!
Help me Vauclair Rayner, you’re my only hope…"
You say that this mystery goddess is creative, and supportive of your creative work, which obviously ticks a huge box for you. However, the other adjectives you use - "gorgeous," "incredible," "the loveliest person imaginable" are the hyperbole of your heart, not your true feelings. How do I know this? You also mention she's "flaky" and that you only see each other around three or four times a year, yet this character flaw which obviously bothers you is something you're willing to sweep under the carpet. Son, you've got it bad. Also, I'm fairly sure she's aware of that and is playing up to it. It's a fun role to play, the perfect epitome of the type of woman you would fall for. She's barely having to do anything because you're projecting everything you need onto her and she's just shining it right back atcha. It's not a real flirtation. So what now?
I don't know what your relationship with your wife is like - only that you're "settled" and "100% happy and committed." Unlike the words you used for your friend, they are secure and measured. In your current frame of mind, I imagine, they also seem boring. Are you having a rough time at work at the minute? Are you stressed, depressed, anxious or restless? My earlier question still stands - what's eating you so much that you're out there looking for something to shake up your comfortable life? We all go through destructive phases. Maybe your kids are taking up all of your together time. Maybe you're both exhausted. Maybe you're not getting the attention and adoration you once did - a valid reason to feel upset. What you need to ask yourself is whether the thrill you get whenever you allow yourself to think of her - because no doubt you're keeping her as a sexy little secret, even to yourself - is enough to sustain you through the aftermath of your wife finding out that you're emotionally absent from your relationship and living a fantasy life with a flaky dream woman who isn't her, instead.
There are two obvious paths here, and neither are easy. One involves working hard on yourself and your marriage, and figuring out what really is missing. Then, you'll need to reach out to your wife, (who you didn't mention that you love, by the way, which rang massive fucking air-raid-siren alarm bells for me) and ask for her help. Long-term relationships are about holding each other up, respect and love, no matter what. You are not a burden. Strong family units are open, honest, and supportive. The only way you'll get all these things, which I think you need, is to make the first move. Stop putting x at the end of your messages to your mystery woman. Stop texting her first whenever you think of something vaguely interesting. Eventually, you will need to phase her out of your life completely. It takes time and will seem impossible, but crushes, no matter how intoxicating, pass.
The other path involves continuing this crush to it's conclusion. Who knows, maybe she's besotted with you too? Maybe you're actually made for each other? Only you know whether that's a road worth pursuing. But whatever you do, be sure. You have a lot to lose.
What to drink?
Complicated love triangles, broken hearts, tempestuous affairs and dizzying crushes all require two things - ice cream and chocolate. Head immediately to your nearest bottle shop and purchase one each of the following:
- Wiper and True - Milk Shake Stout
- Brew York - Imperial Tonkoko
- Saltaire - Triple Chocoholic
- Wild Beer Co. - Millionaire
While you're at it, get yourself and your wife a couple of bottles of the new Magic Rock x Basqueland Session IPA because I heard it's banging and you both deserve a night in.
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